


finding home

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Complicated Relationships, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family Issues, Friends With Benefits, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, References to Illness, Road Trips, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, a maybe-vent, none actually done, suicide pacts referenced, talking about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:20:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22121713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: // journeys of being lost and searching for homepart one - a journeypart two - somewhere, i’m comingpart three - homesickend - finding home
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Harukawa Maki (implied), Akamatsu Kaede/Iruma Miu, Hinata Hajime & Yumeno Himiko, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Ikusaba Mukuro & Kirigiri Kyoko, Ikusaba Mukuro/Kirigiri Kyoko, Iruma Miu & Oma Kokichi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 37





	1. part one - a journey

**Author's Note:**

> “pushing away these girls that maybe really like me  
> cutting people off because i don't trust exciting  
> but what the fuck have i done?”
> 
> -i miss having sex but at least i don’t wanna die anymore

She threw the last suitcase into the back of her rusted red car with a heaving breath, sighing in relief when she was finally finished. She slammed the trunk closed, snorting at her years-old bumper stickers and moving to the front. Her coffee cup still had steam coming off of it, the smell conflicting with her lemon scented car freshener. The leather in the seats was fucked up and faded, but she didn’t care enough to do much about it. The car still moved fine, and it was her baby, so there was no need for anything else.

She let the front door fall shut as she put her key into the ignition. Her head hit the back of her seat as the car started up, giving her time to contemplate her choices. She was nineteen, in a beat-up car, with friends and a girlfriend in her hometown, and yet she was making this stupid-ass road trip. She didn’t even have a  _ destination _ ; she just wanted to do this for the idea of finding a home. She had about a thousand dollars, in cash, in her wallet. 

She had to laugh at herself. When did Miu Iruma become so stupid? She’s a girl genius, a gorgeous genius, throwing away what she had so that she could stop feeling so lonely. What a loser. 

She hit the gas, maneuvering out of her apartment’s parking lot and going to the main road. She loved driving, she loved the control of switching lanes and speeding up in the fast lane. She flicked on the radio, filtering through a few songs before deciding it was all bullshit. Her iPod had better songs, so she clicked on her playlist. Most of the songs were in English, but she didn’t care. 

She mouthed the words to the songs, knowing her voice was God awful but it was this or opening the window to take in the unbearable heat, and she figured this was better. When she hit the next stop sign, she took a sip of coffee and wondered, once again, what the fuck she was doing. Her girlfriend was going to be  _ livid.  _

Oh, whatever. Miu had seen dying relationships, and she knew that the one she loved so dearly was one of them. She helped her limited friends through breakups, always being cynical, but she’s pretty sure she wouldn’t handle losing Kaede in the healthiest way. She’d miss more than just the sex-- not that it was bad, it was good sex, but Miu was more than just sex, even if she pretended she wasn’t. She’d miss Kaede’s hair, and her eyes, and her kindness, and her sensitivity.

Miu used to help her through the hard nights until she realized that she was the cause of them. Suffice to say, they stopped talking about those days. 

They were breaking, weren’t they?

_ It must take a broken person to do this crazy ass road-trip, anyway, _ Miu thought. She’s so  _ dumb.  _ What’s wrong with her? Why was she-

Gas. Her car was nearing empty, and there was one on the detour. Maybe she could call someone, let them know where she was. Kokichi would get it, probably. He must have done this before. Although, he probably came back after. Miu didn’t know if she would.

Sure enough, when she got there, Kaede conveniently called her. Miu took a deep breath and picked up the phone. 

She felt like a ghost, talking to her, having to listen to Kaede shout,  _ “What’s wrong with you, where are you, I was worried sick! I called the police because I know you aren’t exactly okay so I was worried-- I’ll shut up. Where are you?” _

“I’m taking a road trip.”

Kaede let out a breath of relief, but Miu didn’t feel much better.  _ “Okay, with who? When are you coming back?” _

“I don’t know.” She heard Kaede open her mouth and talked quickly. “Just… I needed to get out of that fucking town, right? I needed a break. And this is my break. But I don’t know when the hell I’m getting back. I’m with nobody, by the way. I’m not cheating on you. But, on the topic of that, we might as well take a break. I love you, Kaede, but-”

_ “If you’re going to be so flippant about leaving me like I never even mattered, then maybe we should break up. You’re right. You’re definitely right. I know you’re falling out of love with me-” _

“I’m not.”

_ “You are.” _

“No, I’m fucking not, Kaede. Don’t put words into my mouth.”

_ “Well, if you talked to me, about anything, then maybe I wouldn’t have to!”  _ Miu didn’t have a reply to that. Kaede sounded out of breath, but she kept going, her voice more heartbroken than angry.  _ “Do whatever you need, Miu. You’re your own person, and I’m not really permanent, so just go. I’m happy for you. I really am. Let me know how the road trip goes. And… and if you meet anybody out there-” _

“Kaede, don’t-”

_ “It’s realistic, Miu. There’s… there’s a lot of people out there, so if you like someone more, go for it, okay? That’s okay. I’m not going to make you happy so… that’s fine. Um. I wish you the best? I always will. I’ll always like you, Miu, and admire you, and love you.” _

“I love you too, Kaede. I’m sorry. You deserved so much fucking better than this.” Miu leaned against her car, waiting for the gas to pump in and avoiding eye contact from other drivers. “You’ll find better than this. And if you do, go for it. You deserve the fucking world. And… and I was suffocating in my hometown, but I didn’t suffocate with you. So… if you ever want me back, with all my baggage and bullshit and libido and trauma, I’ll come. Someday. I don’t know when.”

_ “Goodbye, Miu.” _

“Goodbye, Kaede.” 

Kaede hung up first. Miu slammed her fist against her car, her hand getting more damage than the metal did, and shouted, “Dammit!” She shook her wrist to get rid of most of the pain, pulling out the gas pump and paying. She got back into her car and slumped, driving to a parking spot in the nearby store before making another call. 

Before Kokichi could talk, Miu spoke. “Kokichi, I’m getting out of that town. On a fucking whim. So I don’t know when I’m coming back. Oh, and I broke up with Kaede. So most people can get on with life now, I fucking guess. And you can be mad at me if you want. But yeah. Sorry, little rat.”

_ “Do you actually mean that?”  _ He responded, speaking slowly and seriously. She hated it when he did that.  _ “Can I actually be mad at you? Or would that make me a shitty friend? Should I pretend I support your decisions, for the sake of acting like I’m super happy for you? Is that what a good friend does?” _

“That’s what a shitty, fake friend does.”

_ “Thought so. So, yeah, I’m mad at you. Because finding your purpose or whatever bullshit you’re doing is fine, but you realize you still left an impact here, right? I don’t know what kind of games you’re playing with Kaede because Shuichi is with her now, and that’s kind of crummy. Dying relationships can die, I guess. I don’t have any jokes for you, just go ahead and leave. Whatever. Don’t die, you bitch.” _

“Sorry.”

_ “For what? Dying already?”  _ He snorted.  _ “Seriously. Don’t die. Call you later.” _

“Yeah.”

Miu hung up that time. 

She closed her eyes, resting her head on the dashboard. “What am I fucking doing?” She asked herself. She was pretty sure she wasn’t meant to cut off all ties with everyone she’s ever known, but that’s the direction this was going. “Whatever,” she finally said, booting up the car again and starting the music, ignoring the influx of texts. 

She got back on the road again, driving to nowhere in particular, hoping she didn’t break along the way.


	2. part two - somewhere, i'm coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “god, i want a touch of something new  
> something i can keep”
> 
> -interlude iii

“Hey, you alright?”

The voice belonged to the man sitting beside Himiko, a gentle smile on his face as he awaited her answer. His hair was brown and spiky, and he looked a bit older than her. His eyes were green and kind, so she figured she could probably trust him. Not that she really trusted him, but enough to make conversation in the dull spaces where she couldn’t go back to sleep. 

“Nyeh… yeah.” Her voice was sleepy and lethargic, which didn’t make the best first impression, but the other didn’t seem to mind.

“Cool. I’m Hajime, by the way.”

“Himiko.”

“Himiko,” he repeated softly. “How old are you, Himiko?”

She cracked a lazy smile. “I know I look younger than I am… I’m seventeen.”

“Damn, I’m getting older,” he joked, messing up his hair with his hand. “I’m twenty. Jeez. It’s winter break for you, I’m guessing? Damn.”

She shrugged. “It’s ending in a few days.”

“Going back?”

She shook her head. “Away.”

He quirked his head sideways, looking at her oddly. “Away? I mean, none of my business, but it seems kind of late to do that. If you only have a couple more days, why go somewhere seven hours away by train, y’know? You don’t have to tell me, anyway, but I figured I’d ask.”

“I’m looking for something. A place to be. Nyeh… too tired to explain more. Where are you going?”

He smiled a little. “Back home. Took a work trip.”

“What’s home?” Himiko asked, realizing it sounded like a rhetorical question and elaborated further. “Like, for you.”

“Interesting question. I guess my boyfriend and our dog. I miss them. I can text them, but I always hate leaving him alone. Well, he has Mitsu, but not the same. Anyway, I’m rambling. But I guess that’s what my home is. Just them, in our little house. And my friends there, too.” He looked at her curiously. “What’s it for you?”

“I’m trying to figure that out, I think,” she answered. “My friends are where I’m from, and I share a dorm room with them. But I wasn’t really happy.” She had no idea why she was confessing this to some random stranger, but he was listening patiently and fully engaged, so she might as well. If she kept it all inside, she’d probably drown in her emotions, her wanderlust, her depression. “So I thought getting on a train would fix that, and I had enough money from doing magic shows, but… I wanted to leave. I needed to. I was really sad there.” She shrugged again, trying to keep everything light-hearted. “What’s your boyfriend like?”

He frowned a little at the topic change, but probably got a hint from the edge in her voice and talked anyway. “Well, his name is Nagito. Really smart, loves books. I bought him one while I was on the trip, so I hope he likes it. He’s always been there for me, but…” He laughed, but it seemed a little forced. “I worry about him, too. I really, really hate being far away from him.”

“I wonder if my friends worry about me,” Himiko mused out loud.

“They probably do. Nothing wrong with that, not really. Unless there is something wrong.” He rubbed at his eyes, and he seemed a lot more tired than before. Himiko tilted her head, prodding him to keep talking, and after what felt like forever, he mumbled, “Nagito has some things wrong. Not his fault. So I worry. But he’s fine, and I mean, it’s not really my business. Well, it is, because I have to help him, but…” He sighed. “I feel shitty for talking about it. Y’know?”

“If you need to say it, say it,” Himiko advised.

“Yeah. He has… something. We don’t know what it is. Not yet. It could be terminal. I don’t know.” He laughed in a strained way again. “He’s oddly lucky, so he might be fine. He might overcome something terminal and permanent. Knowing him, he will. But he also might not. He’s unlucky, too. Always has been. And he’s not great mentally, either, so it’s just… a lot, y’know? I don’t want to leave him alone, truth be told, because Mitsu isn’t a support dog, and Nagito’s been… really weak lately. When he can get out of bed, he usually ends up falling over, and he’s just… sad. Anyway. This isn’t much fun to listen to, I know. Sorry. I’m not a very good conversational partner, I realize.”

“He’ll be okay,” Himiko said softly, giving Hajime a smile.

He returned it, hesitantly. “Yeah. I really hope so. Thanks.” He paused. “I hope you find your home, somewhere. It took me twenty years, but I found it.”

“Yeah.” The smile stayed on her face as she slumped in the train seat, brain filled with a sleepy haze. Home was somewhere, where she could be happy, where she felt okay. Where she didn’t have to sleep away the days, where she could make something of herself. And she could come back to her school knowing that it’s out there, that she has it, that she can go back there someday soon. She wouldn’t be lonely anymore. She could find it.

She lost herself in the rain, hitting the window gently, and she closed her eyes. She hoped so.


	3. part three - homesick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “but i could not go away, not if i wanted to  
> i can hide from friends, but i cannot hide from you”
> 
> -it’s ok, i wouldn’t remember me either

“I miss my family.”

The unprompted sentiment came from Kyoko, who had been watching Mukuro quietly as the ravenette stoked the fire. Mukuro gave her a strange look since the reason the two of them had come out here was to forget their dumbass family and their dumbass rules. Kyoko’s father had abandoned her, and Mukuro wasn’t very fond of her grandfather. Her mother was unfortunately dead, and she had no siblings. Kyoko wasn’t very soft, nor did she reminisce often. She was logical and strong, and Mukuro loved her for that. 

“Why?” Mukuro tried not to sound too confused, or brash, but her voice came across that way regardless. She wished she could be better for Kyoko because she probably needed reassurance and Mukuro was horrible at that. 

The lavender-haired girl shifted in her place on dry grass, looking up at the sky and finally whispering, “I feel homesick. I don’t like feeling like this.” She looked at Mukuro, and she wished Kyoko didn’t look at her like she could see everything she’s ever done and thought. Kyoko gave her a small smile. “I know you don’t feel like that. I’m sorry.”

Mukuro lifted her eyebrows but turned to tend to the fire. “Why are you apologizing?”

“It feels better to be sad than feel nothing at all.” 

Mukuro dropped the log and looked at her again. She let out a small laugh. “When did you become a philosopher? And… is there anything wrong with me not feeling anything? I don’t like my family all that much, you know that. I’m better off here, with you and a bonfire in the middle of summer than back there. I’m not numb. I just don’t want to be there. That’s not so wrong, is it?” Mukuro was aware she was being too defensive, but Kyoko’s calm expression didn’t change. That only fueled the other’s anger, but she bit her tongue to protect her best friend. 

She didn’t want to be like this.

“Why are we even out here?” Kyoko questioned. Mukuro opened her mouth to retort, but Kyoko cut her off. “I know we made a plan and drove all the way out here, but for what? I can’t help but feel like we’re fueling bad coping mechanisms.”

“What bad coping mechanisms? We’re fine if we say we are,” Mukuro insisted. 

“We’ve had sex twice, Mukuro,” Kyoko said coldly. Mukuro felt her blood chill, and she suddenly didn’t want to be there. Or anywhere. So maybe Kyoko was right. “The way this adventure was phrased, and don’t take offense to this, but it sounded like some suicide pact. And I’m not okay with that. This isn’t an intervention, because I’m talking about me, after all. Both of us. I just don’t know if this was the right decision.”

“And you think going back home will fix that?” Mukuro pinched her inner wrist, not having the willpower to keep the argument out of her voice and praying the pain could. She didn’t want to get back in her car, drive back the three-or-so hours it took to get to this abandoned place and try to be healthy. Kyoko could, Mukuro couldn’t, and that was the moral of the story. “Where you can’t even talk to guys? Where you just read and worked, every single day, and never had a single bit of fun until I stumbled across you? I know you have a home, Kyoko, but I don't, and this is what I’ve got. I’m sorry you’re homesick. I’m sorry I can’t be better for you on that.”

“Mukuro, you’re taking this personally,” Kyoko replied evenly. “I’m not attacking you. I’m just commenting that we aren’t being healthy. I’ve never seen you sadder in my time of knowing you, and I can tell something is wrong. I want to fix it. And I do miss my family, but that isn’t your fault.”

“Then  _ go home _ .” Mukuro declared, ignoring Kyoko’s words and stuffing her hand in her hair. Kyoko was still sitting on the grass, and Mukuro was standing, and the position felt so awkward. Everything felt wrong. So, so wrong. “Take my car. It’s functional. You can have my keys. You can have the money I took with me.”

“Mukuro-”

“You can have all of it. Because I’m not going home.” She threw her hands up, before letting out a sad laugh and covering her face with her hand. “I’m so stupid. But I’m not going home. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m doing it here. So, take everything. Get back to your family. I’d rather die here than go back.”

“I don’t want you to die.”

“Yeah, well, I’m going to die either way.”

“We all die someday.”

“Not what I meant, Kyoko. I go home, and my aunt asks where my boyfriend is, and my sister tells me to get a life, and I’m in a too big house with no speck of dirt, and all I have is some cigarettes, because yeah, I smoke, and I only feel okay when I’m with you.”

Kyoko shook her head. “You always cry when I’m with you.”

“No! No, Kyoko, you don’t get it. I’m fucked up around you, and that’s why I need you. Because at home, I… I’m fucked up, but I’m not in the right way. When I’m with you, I know I’m wrong, and that’s good. And I can still breathe you in because you’re good and I need you. I’m sorry.” She laughed again. “Maybe this is a suicide pact. I don’t know. I’m fine with dying.”

“I’m not fine with you dying, so stop saying that.” Kyoko’s voice had an edge in it. “You talk about suicide so casually, but I lost my mother and I refuse to lose you too. Can’t we just go home? You don’t have to go to your house, but we can go somewhere safe. I don’t even know who is in this town. I don’t feel safe.”

“Then go home, Kyoko!” Mukuro shouted, and Kyoko flinched. She felt  _ horrible _ . “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. You should know now that I don’t care about safety. Kyoko, I can’t be fucking homesick because I don’t have anything to miss, but I’m longing for something. And whatever it is will burn me alive and eat me up until I’m nothing. I’m the saddest I’ve ever been in my life, yeah, and that has nothing to do with you. I’m so fucking lonely. And it hurts so bad. I think you should go home, back to your grandfather, and I can stay here.”

“Mukuro, if you stay here, I’m staying here too.”

She shook her head. “Kyoko-”

“ _ Mukuro _ .”

The black-haired girl looked at the other, and she saw the resolve in her best friend’s lavender eyes. Mukuro let her win the nonverbal fight, sitting down next to Kyoko and resting her head on the other’s shoulder. Kyoko intertwined their fingers and kissed Mukuro, briefly, before looking at the sky again. “We have time,” she whispered, and Mukuro nodded. “Just don’t die.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you. You know that. This relationship we have means something to me.”

Their fucked up relationship, where they fought and cried and kissed and fucked. Being best friends with strings tightly attached, where they weren’t dating but they were close. Falling in love but knowing it will end, trying to stay friends so that they won’t lose everything to each other, but Mukuro already had. 

“I love you too.”

_ I don’t want to die alone. _


	4. end - finding home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “but strangely he feels at home in this place”
> 
> -this is home

_ voicemail _

“Hey, Kaede. It’s me, Miu. I know you got a new girlfriend… and congrats! Maki seems… lovely. Better not be a whore, because I’ll beat her up. Hah. Sorry. I… I’m assuming you want to know where I am, huh? I’m in this tiny town, and I got a job at a coffee shop. It’s boring as shit, but it pays, and… and I think I’m happy now. I like my coworkers-- they’ll never hear that from me-- and… I dunno, Kaede. I think things worked out. I mean, I’ve been here for a few months, so I’d hope so. Sorry I left. I just… I think I needed this. So… yeah. That’s it. I just thought you’d like to know. There’s no like, postcards, or shit that I could send. But, yeah. That’s it. Bye. Have a good life. Don’t get an STD. And if you want to talk to me again… I’d like that. As friends. Okay. Bye.”

\--

_ postcard _

Hey, Hajime. I hope you’re getting this. I went back home, as you know, but I enjoyed the trip. I don’t think I found happiness yet. But I don’t feel too bad. Things are looking up, I hope.

I hope your boyfriend is doing okay. Write back if you want.

Himiko Yumeno

\--

_ re: postcard _

Hey, Himiko! Sorry to hear you haven’t gotten it all figured out, but I’m glad you still have hope for the future. Things will get better. 

Nagito was hospitalized a week ago, so I guess we both have to keep hoping, huh. 

He says hi, by the way. 

My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX, so we don’t have to do this postcard thing. If you want. I know I’m like a grandpa and you’re still a kid, but… just an offer. 

Hajime Hinata

\--

_ note _

For Kyoko,

Hey. This isn’t a suicide note, for starters. This is just… a note. As we both know, we stopped talking. You went home in my truck and I’m still here. I’m not sorry about that. You were gasoline and I was fire, so I guess it was my fault. It was inevitable either way.

I miss you. You were my best friend and girlfriend (kinda), so of course I do. If you can ever forgive me for the shit we’ve done, let me know. I’d understand if you didn’t. I suck. I really suck. God, this is depressing. I don’t know what else to do, really. 

I’m still here. I don’t think I’m going to leave, but you probably figured that out. I’m not going to die. I hope not. I don’t really know why I’m writing that, because I’m going to throw this into a fire and break that promise later anyway, but I feel like I should. I’m a basket case. But I’m still in this abandoned area, and I’m still smoking. If you somehow get this, I’m sorry.

I love you.

Mukuro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was listening to some music and felt... unbearably lonely. i don't know why. i just felt... wrong. sad a bit. longing. lonely. so, with nothing to do and with too many feelings, i wrote this fic. 
> 
> it's not a vent. not really. i didn't break up with someone, and i didn't hop on a train. i'm in bed, single, listening to a playlist on repeat, texting people, but still sad. and that's okay, i think. it's just been a while. 
> 
> i hope you like it. i hope it matters to you, a lil bit. i really hope so. 
> 
> [sorry for the long note]


End file.
